Anonymous Feelings

Regret badly

2012-01-20T01:12:00.001-08:00

KK has been having a fever, so co-slept with him last night. I didn’t get much sleep. He wouldn’t take his morning nap this morning around 8am. So I got stressed and started crying and thinking “Fucken hell and Leo is sound asleep in his room…. every time I am struggling, he is not here to help me”. He did eventually come in to see what was going on in his half asleep look, I get more angry when I see that. He took KK out and let me sleep. Ok good. I had about 1.5 hours of sleep. He went to buy lunch and my mood was much better then. Later we went to the supermarket to buy some groceries and KK’s nappies & food. When we got home we were still fine. Or I was still fine. The house was in a mess so I said I’ll vacuum and hold on to KK, and later wash dishes.

As I was vacuuming I got stressed and angry. Lots of thoughts came up, was very tiring, hot, and what if I was actually pregnant at that moment, how can Leo let his wife be so stressed and laboured out? I started to bang and hit things. He got pissed off too hearing my throw things around so he started to do the same too. Then he went to wash dishes, and kept chucking things, chucked a butter container where KK was – on the floor in the lounge, I got really pissed off and threw the laundry line, it went flying and fell down and hit KK. I was sooooooooooooo shocked. Lucky he is fine. At that moment I realised my anger is getting really bad. or my PND is getting really bad. Leo got very angry at me, I regret very much too. He kept saying that I was a bad mother, that he will tell everyone what I did…….. I am very sorry for what I’ve done to KK by ACCIDENT. But Leo kept putting it in a way that I did it on purpose. Who looks after KK 24/7 everyday? I do, WTF? I tried to HURT HIM PURPOSELY??!! He just said to me, don’t ever complain again, if you complain just go back to your mum’s. I can quit my job and just stay home and do housework if you want me to. He just doesn't even understand, he NEVER appreciates what I do, NEVER cares about my feelings. It’s so clear that I have PND now, can’t he just support me to go through this??

After the last fight only last week. I said to myself I will not expect anything from him from now on. That worked for a while until I realised that he STILL EXPECTS ME to do chores for him though like wash his clothes, hang his clothes etc. There’s so much to do in a day with a baby and with lack of sleep it’s sooo easy to lose my cool. and do HIS personal chores too? God…………

So now, I will do everything in the house and look after KK, work as well as study. He can just sleep, eat, play games, do his work and go out with friends. He’s gone out now. He’s probably gone out to karaoke with his friends and to flirt with girls. Our relationship is dead. We have tried to conceive a another baby these past few weeks. I don’t think we will have another baby anymore…………

Doing the Dukan Diet

2011-12-25T02:31:00.001-08:00

Started on Wednesday 21st December 2011. On Day 5 now. So hungry haha… since i’m vegetarian i have such limited food options. Well so far I have lost 2 kgs. I’m hoping to lose up to 46kgs. Not sure if that will be too skinny but i’ll see how it goes as i diet.

Depressed

2011-12-17T01:52:00.001-08:00

Its our 2 year wedding anniversary today. I booked in a photo shoot and things were going ok, but stupid things he did just got me pissed off and moody. We went to the photo shoot and i just let him and kk take the photos and i just stood aside. In the end i did end up taking a few shoots. We had a bite at mc donalds then came home. I took a nap with kk then he looked after him and i continued to sleep. He bathed him around 630 and i woke up to dress him etc. He went to make his night time milk. He must have shook the bottle really hard, cos now 9ish he kk is crying so bad. Wont in back to sleep. He farted a little, he must have a lot of wind, that's why e is crying as he has cramps. He has gone out to sing karaoke right now. I just want a divorce sometimes, but i know it's just my depression.....

i just want my feelings acknowledged and feel supported by the people i love

2011-10-30T17:52:00.001-07:00

Just had a very emotional fight with Leo. i have been very stressed out lately and directly a lot of anger on him but not voicing it and suppressing it. i know it’s not good, so today as I was driving back to mum’s with KK, i started crying and thinking about all these things i’m angry about. i then thought i need to tell Leo these feelings. so i U-turned and went back home. i walked into the house holding onto KK and found him in the kitchen washing dishes. he said oh did u forget something? i started weeping, he put the things down and sat down to talk to with. i said i am very stressed out, very tired and angry. i didn’t know how to start telling him that i’m actually angry at him for not supporting me well enough basically….

i know he does chores in the house now and then but the house is still messy, i know i don't always clean up after myself but he thinks he shouldn’t help clean up for me cos he thinks he is spoiling me. okay he cooks me dinner now and then, bathes KK nearly everyday, washes clothes, washings dishes, changes nappies, now and then…… but i do all the hard work, i am the one that doesn't get sleep and have to look after them most of the time and when i want him to look after him for 1-2 hours so i can nap. he naps too and KK doesn't want to nap so he starts crying so i don't’ end up napping at all sometimes. why is he tired alllllll the time? shouldn’t i be more tired??!!!! i dunno he is a good husband so far, but i just reallllly need more support from him. maybe i am just getting PND, i just expect so much more from him….. i guess it’s my problem then??!

anyways back to the talk, i started crying and blowing my nose… holding on to KK, then he took KK to sit on his lap. i finally had a courage to spit out my feelings but got more and more emotional. it started like, ‘oh babe, i think u r stressed and tired, u want me to give u a massage?’ then i said ‘i think i am the only one stressed that tired here’ (hinting that he doesn’t do much). he then started to a lil pissed off. and then after some silence he said ‘i think we need to go the the temple again’. hinting that i have issues. ‘i said u’re saying it in a way that i have problems’. then he said ‘i never said that’. i started to cry more, and said ‘i am very tired and stressed out. the house is always in a mess, i have to work, and study etc…..’ thennnnnnnnnnnnn i said ‘u haven’t worked for nearly 3 years…’ before i finished he said ‘ok enough!’ very loud and fucked off. i knew this would happen that’s why i suppressed these feelings for so long. but i continued… i said ‘i don't’ mind u not working, but i expect u to do some housework….’ then he said ‘the feng shui master said i am a person that does big things, not small things’ i was thinking wtf?! i have been supporting the family for at least 2 years since our marriage (financially, day to day things) and now we have KK, i LEARN. if u don't know how to do things u FUCKEN LEARN HOW TO! i didn’t know how to cook and wash clothes? i didn't know how to breast feed? i didn’t know how to make milk from formula? what do i do then? I LEARN HOW TO DO THESE THINGS. becos since KK, things have fucken changed. i can’t stay up late now i have to wake up early, i don’t have a social life….. but he continues with his life…

back to the talk, i then said to him that things have changed now we have a son, we can’t sleep late etc etc, i know he does things around the house but it’s still messy and i have stressed and tired with work, studies and a baby. then this kinda just reved up….

i shouted that ‘i have been hypnotising myself these days that i don’t kneed a husband, i can do everything myself, i can get a full-time job, i can put KK to day-care, i don't’ have to depend on my mum/family’ he started weeping a bit after this and said i have reallly hurt him. i said ‘i know. but i have been hurt these few months too’. i said these are just my feelings, it doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong. i said ‘i know i might be getting PND, i dunno, but that’s why i want to come back and just talk about my feelings but i knew u would get angry like this that why i never talked to u about these things’

he said, ‘when i was at cmc markets, i knew i wasn’t getting much out of it so i wanted to start my own business, then we had KK so i told myself that i need to find a job to support my family so we can live happy’ i know. i know that is what he is thinking.and i said to him: ‘i know’. ‘i go out to socialise with people and to let them know that i am available, if any opportunities come i am available’ he then said ‘i will clean the house, but don’t expect me to do it when u ask me to straight away, i am like this i will not change for u!’

i said ‘i get jealous of you when u go out and have fun with friends, cos i don't have that anymore’. he then said ‘okay i will just stay home from now on, i don’t like people being jealous of me’ AGAIN i said these are my feelings i want to voice out it doesn’t mean that ur wrong. i also told him how important nursing KK was, for me and KK. i told him how stresseful i am wokring studyinhg and looking after KK, with low milk supply etc etc………he just doesn't understand. and my mum’s family doesn't get it the BFing thing as well. it’s so unsupportive and depressing……….

he said i have really hurt him about what i said about him not working and that i don’t need a husband. then he said ‘we need a break just go over to your mum’s’ i said ‘i knew this was going to happen, i came back to talk to u about how i feel’, it’s like i might be having depression here, but this is what i get, ‘go fuck off to your mum’s’. see, it’s MY fault again. he doesn't even feel sorry that he hasn't supported me well enough, he thinks it’s my problem.

he looked at KK and said, KK is very good, he has a good personality he doesn't pick up what we fight about and cry. i.e., he is hinting that i am a bad influence for him…………..my fault again.

i then said after a while that i’ll take him to my mum’s now. then he handed him over ot me and said something which i didn’t hear (think it was yeah we shouldn't talk know) and i went to KK’s room to calm down. i went to the room and started crying again, i was thinking god… i was so painful giving birth to KK and this is what i get from my husband………this is what i get……. i started crying more. i just left KK on the bed and gave him a tissue coloured box to play with and kept him company when he was bored. see, my fault again all of this.

at the end of the day all i want is just my feelings to be acknowledged and feel supported by the people i love.

i just apped him admitting to this being my fault etc and sorry etc i want to see what he says.

anyways need to send off draft master’s proposal to supervisory today better do it now………

Tired. Not happy.

2011-09-23T01:54:00.001-07:00

Just had a fight with Leo. It was something really stupid. Today I was boiling my herbal meds, so I told him to look after KK, he does but sleeps as well and I said: Jesus, you’re always tired, I’m tired too man, why can’t I take a nap? I have to nurse KK twice throughout the night (12am, 4am) every night and wake up around 6am. Then I have to work, look after KK, work, look after KK, cook etc etc. I’m sooooo tired everyday.

After I cooked dinner today I told Leo to get the rice out, cos I was cooking and holding on to KK and I was taking out the dishes to the dinning table, then Leo made a big sigh. So I said why are you sighing? and he said: cos you wouldn’t let me sleep. I was so pissed off man. I didn’t NOT let you sleep… and so I just chucked the chopsticks onto the dish (while holding onto KK) and sat there looking pissed off. Then he got pissed off and asked so you are going to get shitty now? So I just held KK and went back into my room. Then he had dinner and went back to his room to sleep. He is going out tonight with the boys to karaoke that’s why he needs his sleep gwa.

See, that’s why I’m so angry and unhappy. If I was just a full time mother, at least I don’t have to worry about other things like work and study. But now I’m working, studying and a mother. It’s soooooooooo tiring. And work stuff is fucking pissing me off. I just want to quit man. There so much work I need to do and WTF are the principal investigators doing??!! they also fucked up my pay, all this time they were paying me double, so now I have to return that money back by reducing my pay until the contract ends. was getting about $300 something a week, now only $100 something ai….

Apart from KK, everything sux at the moment

Low

2011-08-23T03:13:00.001-07:00

Have been feeling really low lately. Feel like life is pointless. I miss my old independent life, where I can sleep late, eat whatever I can, do whatever at whatever time of the day.... Now, everything revolves around my baby. Although I really enjoy motherhood…. but I just can never go back to that old life anymore.

2011-08-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

So upset. I've sick for a few days. Coughing really bad, leo's family has not send me a word of regards. I'm living with them now. It was leo's cousin's baby birthday today and I didn't sleep all night looking after kk plus leo's snoring was so fucking annoying I couldn't sleep at all. okay fine, at least you can look after kk during the day so I can take a nap. No he keeps sleeping, and when he wakes up. I tell him I'm sick I'm not going to the birthday party, he says (nicely) that it's better for us all to go. I don't answer him at all. I've got a fever man and shivering. And you still want you wife to walk to the party?! It's close but still. 佢屋企人冇當過我係人架。到最未我都有去。到kk 夠鐘飲奶，我話走先，點知佢媽話係人地屋企唯。死八婆

Pissssed off

2011-08-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

個仔卑人抱關咗，以家一啗底就喊，以前都唔咪咁架。好嬲啊！咁鐘意抱，米自己再生多個嚟抱囉！我個仔都未夠3個月就喺咁抱住佢喺度打機。咁大個人都冇腦架！

今日Leo個妹同個老公，女喺北京返嚟，喺我地呢度住機日。一定會好鬼煩。我聽日又要返工妖!

佢啊媽真係一D 意太都冇架，食嘢種衰個男人。

23 February 2011

2011-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday dad intended to take mum out of Auckland to have a chance to talk to her about their problems. But mum was very anti about it and said things that pissed dad off. So the whole trip they didn’t speak at all after the initial argument. It was 3 hours drive there and 3 hours drive back. They didn’t even bother going back to work afterwards. Law was working yesterday. I heard dad was pissed off at how Law was asking dad why he didn’t promote PW, dad thought Law was teaching him how to run his own business.

Sigh…. I was very worried the whole day and when I got home from work, I called mom. Mum was very angry and disappointed. I started crying on the phone. I am so upset how things are so ugly. I love dad and mom so much, and they have been together for 30 years, how can this happen? I’m not trying to be on anyone’s side, but if both of them stand hard on their views, it won’t get anywhere and it will only get worse by sticking on one person’s side.

To be very honest, I know mom has health issues; that’s why we’ve always been worried about her and we’ve left out dad. But this time I’m actually more worried about dad. I feel like everyone is pushing him to the corner and he is so arrogant he will not move, I know it’s his fault mainly but there’s no point doing the blaming thing now. We need to all work together as a family and reunite again. Giving mom $ per week and separating with dad for the rest of her life won’t make her much happier than now!! I feel like no one has really cared about dad’s stress and worries, that’s why he’s turned to other things releasing that stress. I feel that we need to take some responsibilities for his behaviours too. We are all family and we need to be there for each other in hard times. I just feel like we haven’t cared for dad enough. And now that problems are here, the rest of the family is just blaming everything on him.

Ai… at work now. Internet outrage. Yiu. Going to home to finish off the work.

22 February 2011

2011-02-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

阿爸阿媽最近好唔開心。阿媽種話要分居添。我知道阿媽好辛苦嘅﹐但係佢又成日諗埋一邊﹐諗多左嘅。阿爸講D嘢又唔係冇道理呀。我都唔知道點算。我知道阿媽唔想分居咖﹐但係佢真係心談了﹐做得很辛苦﹐唔覺得老豆尊重佢﹐緊張佢﹐放佢喺第一位。我完全明白阿媽的感受﹐但係老豆又有佢道理。好煩阿~ 我淨係唔想佢哋唔開心咋 L

呢一排阿Lawrence去左昇威幫手﹐諗主阿媽可以唞唞﹐照顧Arabella同Kingsley﹐因為謝生話阿媽呢兩年有個大劫。所以我哋個個都唔想阿媽咁辛苦。不過而家連阿Lawrence都話老豆係刚愎自用。既係：顽固、偏执、一意孤行、拒唔接受他人的意见，倔强，自以为係，自以为穷尽了世界上的真理，一点儿听唔进他人的意见，主观武断，喜欢感情用事，更係容唔得人 (尤其係容唔得反对他的人)。

我好唔開心阿 L 好似冇企係阿爸個邊咁。我冇話邊個啱邊個錯﹐只不過係兩個人睇嘢嘅角度唔同﹐大家搵唔到共識。阿Bat就叫阿媽分居﹐還點都唔開心點解要委屈自己。“寧教人打仔，莫教人分妻”阿嘛﹐點可以叫自己父母分居咖! 可放我知阿媽唔想分居咖﹐只不過唔想再忍老豆忍得咁辛苦。真係分居基本解決唔到個問題。

Day 36

2009-06-06T05:44:00.001-07:00

36 days of taking these pills. Been taking baths everyday and showers in the morning. Still weeping heaps and very very itchy. Stuck at home everyday. I dunno even think I will be happy on my birthday which is next Sunday.

Saturday night. Even mom has gone out to visit grandma. Home by myself. Well still have puppy with me at least.

My face was very swollen 2 days ago… felt like i couldn’t open my eyes. my inner thighs are swollen and inner arms. so sore and when i get up it’s sooooooo… sore. it’s also weeping. i jus want this to end right now.

That day when my face was very bad. i was on the floor typing an email to the doctor in America about this and mom came in and asked how I was and I started crying. I felt so bad crying in front of her cos she was very worried. but she was very supportive and encouraging. i felt so much love and lucky mom was there to comfort me. I love her so much!

Leo just came to visit me. Just felt very uncomfortable with him seeing me like this and I felt very dry and itchy and yucky to kiss him or give him a hug anyways. But at least he came.

Can’t sleep every single night. either too dry, too itchy or weeping all night. So uncomfortable. Just want to die.

Waiting 4 death

2009-05-30T20:44:00.001-07:00

每一日都好似等死咁。。。好辛苦。背係咁出水。以家連膊頭同條頸都出水。每一刻都過得好辛苦。噚晚我冇食販，Daddy Mommy 個個都出晒去。我跟住去沖bath，點知缺氧，缺水，一起身就頭暈，出咗沖涼房就手腳抽筋，抽得好緊要，喐唔到。樓下開咗燈我以爲Tina係屋企，我係咁叫佢，冇人理我。我係廳爬到去騎樓吸返D氧氣，用咗好耐時間先開到棟門。唞咗好耐，跟住去廚房飲咗D水食咗D糖先好D。用咗好耐時間先開到一粒糖。嗰陳時真係以爲我就咁就玩完。好彩自己救返自己。

嗰陳時我係到點解Leo唔係我身邊。佢嗰陳係Jess屋企打緊麻將打緊機。好心淡。雖然佢唔知我暈同抽筋但係明知我唔舒服weekend陪吓我都得掛。呢個世界只可以靠自己。我嗰陳回復返氣力之後好想打電話畀佢話唔結婚啦。

之後我地2點幾有傾過我頭先發生過咩事。佢只係喺度講"oh baby….. oh baby"。其實佢講咩我都聼唔順㗎啦。好心淡。

It’s one month as of today of taking those pills. I wrap a towel around me when I go to sleep now cos my back, neck, and arms won’t stop weeping. I dunno how long I can stand for. I have to start my interviews soon for work. How can I go out and see people like this man….. I am very emotional and just cry now and then like listening to music or watching movies. All my joints (back of elbow, knees, neck, underarms) are all raw skin. It hurts when I move…….How long will this torture be? I just want some comfort from my fiance but he just doesn’t understand. And sometimes I just have such a low mood and self-esteem I don’t want him to see me like this.

17 days

2009-05-18T02:53:00.001-07:00

I stopped the herbal pills I was taking as it just tortured me before. Went back on antibiotics and steroids for a while then it died down and came back very fast. So I emailed the herbal clinic and they said it is normal that my psoriasis gets bad as it draws out all the toxins in my body and then it slowly gets well again. So I decided to give it another try.

17 days into the herbal pills again. My back is weeping so itchy so dry so sore. Putting any sort of cream or oil on it doesn’t work. so sore so painful. just feel like dying. can’t go out cant’ do shit man! I was gonna change my car tyres today but when I woke up this morning I have triple eyelids my face was swollen and cracking so I just told my sister to do it. But she didn’t manage to as there was no power or something at the garage so I have to do it tmr. ai…………. and i’m suppose to go visit grandpa and grandma tmr too so annoying (i mean my skin condition is so annoying) it’s stopping me to do a lot of things. i wish Leo was here but her mom recently arrived so i haven’t been seeing him much. so bloody annoying. can’t even get some comfort from him :( I go to bed everyday around 12am then scratch and roll from side to side in my bed till about 6-7am when i get sooo tired then i doze off to sleep. it’s just been sooooo annoying living like this.

Leo’s boss got fired today. Everyone was shocked. I am quite worried about Leo being made redundant too. According to the Chinese Zodiac stuff, Rams re having a very bad year. Both that got made redundant at Leo’s work were a Rams oo… scary.

I haven’t had much good feelings towards Leo’s mom. Just lil things she says and things she does…. like hinting that I don’t have a proper full-time job, asking me to call up places like Banks to pretend that I am her to verify things, airing out duvet covers on top to rubbish bins……WdF man… maybe it’s just a cultural gap we have…..

I dunno how long this detox period will go on for hopefully no long than 2 months so dead line is 26th of June. Which means I will look like shit on my b’day. PLEASE KILL ME. I didnt’ even go to my friends wedding last w/e which was very sad as I really wanted to shared the moment with them :( When I breath I feel very cold, get a rush of cold throughout my body. but when I put blankets on it’s hot… it’s just bloody annoying!

I hope I get better in time before work officially starts.

Painful. Stressed. Angry

2009-03-26T02:33:00.000-07:00

My psoriasis has been really bad lately. My face and body is burning hot and I am in so much pain. Can’t go out, depressed to see friends, don’t even want to see Leo. Think I am his burden. Think I am everyone’s burden. Anyways I finished my Master’s finally and recently got a job as a research assistant at Uni. I will be working on developing our Trust as well to earn more hours. So $ wise, I will be a lot better.

My mobile has been barred for a few days as I didn’t pay off the full amount and since I didn’t have a credit card (Leo help me paid it off early this year) it was hard to pay them (had to go into the bank or send a cheque etc) so I asked Leo to pay for me and I’ll transfer it back to his account, it was only $40. He paid it and called me afterwards and said he “owned” me now and I was like: sorry I opened a credit card already at another bank so it will be more convenient later. He immediately got angry and said that if I can’t pay it off he told me to go and kill myself. I was very hurt when he said that. I know I had money management issues but now I won’t let myself get into that situation again and will use the credit card more like debit card (put money into it first then use). There were moments of silence then Leo hung me up.

I then texted him and asked him to give me his a/c number so I can transfer the $ back to him and also will try to repay him back on a regular basis.

Worst Xmas

2008-12-23T22:48:00.001-08:00

I got my letter today for the health psych program admission. I didn't get in. I knew it when I was in the waiting room before the interview, talking to those candidates, one was a lawyer, one was a nurse. WTF man... why are these people applying for it? So competitive. No way I would get in. Lucky enough I had an interview I guess.

Nana died last Saturday morning. Papa just died a month ago bloody hell. This is probably the worst Xmas I've ever had. I was kind of OK trying to forget about it and get over that I didn't get in the program but then Tina was giving me a hard time (not on purpose) but her attitude just pissed me off. Then I just started to "喋" Leo and he got all iffy about it and gave me a lecture on why I am pissed off cos Tina growled me in front of people rah d rah. It wasn't even because of that. It's just Tina in general. She is a bitch full stop.

Uncle from US is coming over with his fucked up bitchy daughter tomorrow and I will be lending my room to his daughter. They are coming over for Nana's funeral and we delayed out air tickets to HK. I hate his daughter as she was very mean to me when I was in Canada when we were still young I am very 小氣 but I just can't forget the situation. it's something very little, but she was one of the many that ditched me and played with Tina and left me out and purposely excluded me in the group. For a child, that is very cruel. I will do my best tomorrow to smile and accept her.

I am in Leo's sister's room now, trying to time-out and work on my thesis. I am just so not motivated to finish it off now. I will have to job hunt next year and I just feel like I have wasted 2 years doing bullshit studying. I was Googling online wanting to check out other Universities around the world and they Psychology Registration programs. I feel sooo dumb man. I don't think I'll ever get in. I am so lost in life now. I don't want to get married, I don't want to do shit. I just want to bum around for the rest of my life or might as well end it now.

The other day Leo and I had a fight. I was depressed that day (Nana's death) so I drove to Leo's house wanting some comfort and company. Because I didn't sleep well, I fell asleep at his house and then after an hour later he invites the guys over and he woke me up (even tho they were not here yet) but he started setting out the games table etc and I was sooo furious man... like WdF can't you just play with them when I've left? Well I just stormed off and then texted him to say that I WASN'T sorry for taking off like that and how I would comfort and company him if he had a relative that just died but WTF does he care if it happens to me "his so-called fiance". Then he texted back and says I shouldn't say sorry he should. Wdf man...

Well then I was still furious and sent him a long email and next day he replied angrily and says that he is like this and if I don't accept him let him know now and we can end it and he will cancel his flight. I was sooo pissed off and crying. Then later he came to my house to say sorry. We are ok. Until now.

Fasting failure and stresses

2008-12-16T17:18:00.001-08:00

As expected I guess. Failed. Sigh. But am eating a lot less nowadays and trying to move around a lot and exercise more. I did lose 2 kgs am on 50kgs now. Ok la.

Been really stressed out lately and trying not to eat it out, just had my 2 interviews for Health Psych, was sooo nervous about it, just haven't been sleeping well. Plus our dog pee-ed on my bed and I had to throw away my duvet which I had for almost 20 years :( so can't get to sleep lately. Took 20mg Phenergan yesterday and still found it hard to get to sleep, i'ts about 2pm now and I still feel tired cos of the medication.

Just sooo stressed out lately. Dunno if I can get into the programme or not, you know and I was waiting for the interview in the room, I had some conversations with other students who were waiting too. One of them was a nurse one of them was lawyer,.... wah sai ng sai ar.... the competition is so huge.

Dunno if it is becos i'm stressed out my eczema has flared up too and it's just been annoying get irritated so easily esp. when Leo is around cos then I can just throw a fit at him haha...I am flying off next Tuesday and I have so much to do with my thesis... soooo stressed out. Trying to finish my Results section now and meeting my supervisor tmr so i can finalize it and concentrate on my Lit Review and Discussion when I get back. Hao maa faan. Hao sunn foo ar.

Feeling so guilty

2008-12-08T20:28:00.001-08:00

Tinna's sick and she cooked some congee and I had a bowl :( sooo bad... but before that I had some chippies and 1 rice cracker (very small one)........sooo bad then after congee I had a slice of bread and some wheat crackers :(

I dunno why I can't just stick to a schedule. But I keep finding an excuse that I don't want to put myself in starvation cos then I will get fat once I eat again! So no food at all tonight, just water and tea. it's 1725h now I will take a shower and put some a light hydrocortisone cream and the Johnson's lotion on my body, I hope I don't fall asleep.

Ok shower time! Be back soon......promise - with an empty stomach. Oh yeah I took some laxative tea so I should be having an elimination tonight hopefully or early tomorrow morning.

Water Fast Day 2 - Morning

2008-12-08T14:22:00.001-08:00

1122h - Felt very weak today, slept in today, didn't have important appointments today lucky. Had 2 large cups of warm water when I woke up and having green tea now. Feeling okay. So craving for the pizza bread mom brought home last night....grr.....will do some work on my dissertation today been too slack lately. Write more later.

Water Fast Day 1 - evening

2008-12-08T03:32:00.001-08:00

Had some plain congee tonight and had the last lot of the Chinese medicine! Yay!! Now from tomorrow onwards it's the real thing. In the afternoon I was soooo tired and shaking and feeling a bit numb too. I had a long nap from 4:30pm to about 6:00pm so tired it was like I was knocked out. Then I woke up cos family came home to cook dinner and it was getting hot and my body was itching. The rashes on my face has died down a bit and bought a new moisturizer Johnson's Dreamy Skin Body Lotion it's soooo good... maybe it was the Moonflower scent that made me relaxed and sleepy. But I was knocked out when I was juice fasting last weekend anyways. Have to exercise more!
Ok better do some work to get me distracted!

Water Fast Day 1 - morning

2008-12-07T15:19:00.001-08:00

0900h - Tummy grumbling already! Had a cup of water and drinking some Jasmine tea now...

1100h - Ate 4 slices of Toast! and the Chinese medicine. Feeling really bad about it. But I can't not eat without food, but I could of had just 1 slice reallllyy......... but oh wells I will exercise today and drink water for the rest of the day. just wondering what the heck I should eat for dinner as I have 1 more lot of Chinese medication to take....... annoying. But this will be the last lot. I won't see the Chinese doc again, it has been kinda pointless and I think doing this fasting will be much better than taking medication for my eczema.

Fasting progress so far

2008-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Didn't work out too well. Day 1 went ok, had major migraines at night tho and Day 2, had to take Panadol to relieve it. Day 2, I had some plain congee and ended up having some tomato soup and Caesar salad at night. Felt so bad afterwards. Day 3, I had instant noodles early in the morning around 6:30am then went had some toast in the evening.

To start all over again, I will water fast for 3 days then go on juice for 2 weeks. Hopefully pulling out on teh food with water will take away the migraines man those were soooooooooooo bad... just wanted to kill myself, so had to take pain relievers for that!

Below is my timetable, hopefully I can stick to it. I have a interview on the 11th and 15th, I hope I can have energy on that day, it's to get into the Health Psych Programme! I really do hope I get in!!! I will be flying off to HK on the 23rd, I dunno if I can manage just juicing on the plane and overseas!

December
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
				attempt day 1	attempt day 2	attempt day 3
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
water day 1	water day 2	water day 2	juice day 1	juice day 2	juice day 3	juice day 4
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
juice day 5	juice day 6	juice day 7	juice day 8	juice day 9	juice day 10	juice day 11
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
juice day 12	raw day 1	raw day 2	raw day 3	raw day 4	vege day 1	vege day 2
29	30	31
vege day 3	vege day 4	vege day 5

Day 1 of fasting

2008-12-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

OMG. I have been Googling so much about this. So much ppl do it! And I really hope it works for me. I had a cup and a bit of theV8 Fruit and Veg juice (apple burst), I dunno if it's the best idea to use this drink but will have to do until I get a proper Juicer. Am taking some other detoxifying Chinese herbal medicine (for eczema) as well so ate 5 natural almonds today and some more V8 just before and drank the medicine as I couldn't have it on a empty stomach.

There has been goods and bads about fasting and water fasting seems to be the best for eczema or problem skin, but it is just way to hard man... I will sooo die from it :P So juice seems to be the pick for me. I was so determined since last night, searching for weight loss programs etc.... and looked up "starving yourself" for hours and then came across fasting. Yes it is the best for me. And to lose weight quick and fast! But have to be very very careful when I break the fast

I have a conference this afternoon I hope I don't faint! But should be ok. Just have to control my hunger and cravings!!

I feel quite embarrassed telling people about how I am fasting. The first reaction would probably: WTF?!! from my friends. But what the heck I will stick to it!!!!!!!! I have made it a 30 day fasting, and will break the fast on the last 4 days and eat solid fruits and raw veggies.

Anyways I better get back to doing my uni work :P See how it goes later on, starting to feel a tiny wee bitttt hungry.... eekkk.... V8 V8 where are you???!!!!!

Fasting

2008-12-04T03:27:00.000-08:00

I've decided go on a fasting, probably combination of Juice and Water. I have just been feeling very insecure and unhappy about how I look. So bad. I feel like I have psychological problems. But I did a lot of reading on fastings and it could be quite beneficial especially removing the toxins in one's body and especially when I have eczema it may do wonders!

I will start tomorrow and do it for 30 days, this will kick right into my trip, the day I fly off to HK will be my 19th day of fasting. I hope I can manage to then. It will be super super hard. But I think it will be good for me!! *Fingers Crossed*

I better get some sleep so I get more energy tomorrow. Got a conference in up North tomorrow, so annoying. But have to go cos getting my training certificate tomorrow ai....

......

2008-11-30T03:11:00.001-08:00

I ended up going out with Bianca last night, we went out to a bar and had some drinks, 2 bottles of wine then hit the club. Danced for a while and left. I was pretty tipsy and was driving too, so made myself puke out a bit before we left. But it was good just to get it out of me. I purposely texted Leo the text I texted Bianca ("Just left my house, be there in 15mins") and he did call me back but I gave me a fucked up attitude and hung him up.

I ended up at his place after clubbing anyways and stayed over at his place. I kinda told him in the morning why and what i was angry about. he kinda tried to change the subject and i just didn't bother going on........... i told him today casually that if you do have things for another women at any time i will dump you and takes the kids etc... LOL

Well, did end up going to gold today, it was pretty awesome on the course for the first time for me and Leo. Then went out for a family dinner to celebrate Gen's b'day. Man i feel so old aye... was Gen's 18th b'day dinner.... and I feel so fattt too have to lose weight big time before we go overseas man.

better sleep now.

Bad feeling

2008-11-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

The guys (Leo, Alfred, Terrence and Nathan) went out tonight. It was Nathan’s friend’s party, it was suppose to be a ‘guys’ thing but then Jessica was there too. I know cos I called her in the afternoon to see what she was up to tonight. Didn’t think Nat would invite her, but of cos he would cos he loves her to fuckin much. Ok I’m fine with that. I was pissed off in the afternoon as I didn’t know the party started around 4ish 5 and I was all scruffy at Leo’s house knowing that the guys will meet up at his house, I had to get changed and leave. Law had a haircut in the morning and was dressing up all afternoon. And I was WTF already OK fine then I packed up my stuff and come home.

He didn’t call me at all. I called him around 8pm. He hung me up after picking up for 1 sec, and I heard Jess's voice, then he calls me back about 20 secs later and says: “did you call me” I was pissed off already and didn’t want to say anything, but said “yeahhh” then he goes on about and speaks very fast about how boring the party is and how there’s only old ppl there and they are the only Asians, he said he was very pissed off at Nat etc then I asked why don’t you you guys leave? He said Nat told him to stay for free drinks and dinner etc. I said: “ain’t Jessica with you guys?” then he went on about yeah stupid Nat invited her….then after all that bullshit he goes "Hun hun, 抱抱" and I said said "嗯係甘啦" and hung him up.

WTF man……first I am pissed off cos I can’t believe he didn’t’ tell me to join him when he “found out” Jessica was coming too, not guys only (""as he prob knows beforehand anyways as he was talking to Jessica this morning!), second he didn’t call him at all when he said the party was so boring, thirdly the whole time he was talking on the phone he was speaking so fast, acting angry trying to cover for him, and he hung me up just so that I wouldn’t hear Jess’s voice. He didn’t want me to come anyways. 我頭先重蠢block左D calls thinking he'd call me, but no. 覺得自己好白痴. This whole scenario reminds me of Bronson, he used to dump me at home all the time while he is out having fun. I hate this feeling so much. Why?! I don’t want to marry a guy like this………I was just want to break up with him man. If he's like this to me know what will he be like when we get married?

We are playing golf (course) tomorrow with Sean and I don't want to go now, I just want to give us a break and not see him, it's just something soooooooooo little but I really hate this feeling I just can't help it. Well i won't call Sean yet, I'll just decide tmr morning. Well at least I have an excuse, it's Gen's b'day tmr so I can excuse myself if i really have to 放飛機

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Went out with Carl and his wife Annabelle last night, was kind of weird as I've never really met Annabelle before tho we have lots to talk about with Carl with Annabelle there was a bit weird but she was nice anyways. When they first got out of the car I was thinking 嘩好鷹囉阿Carl, but Leo was not wearing the best clothes and had a pop belly.......ai.......and Annabelle was all dressed up and I was just wearing sandals............ lucky I was good at singing but they didn't comment much on it.